I CAN MOONWALK!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
