PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
