Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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