hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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