You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
