I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize