Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if only i could text you this smell
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
