this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
is it fun? or sober?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize