my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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