just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
