We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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