Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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