It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize