For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize