i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
