I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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