your parents love me but you hate me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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