I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
