Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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