I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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