i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
