The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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