I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
