Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm too high and old for this...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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