I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
