I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
