the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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