FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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