last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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