my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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