i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
