woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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