You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
