Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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