take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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