youre lurking in front of me
She is in my trunk
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We left an ass print on the piano.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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