I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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