You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
