He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize