Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
this hospital has no fireball
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
