i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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