so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
