My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
