once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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