the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize