Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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