dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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