I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
