Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish I only lived at night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
