i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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