She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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