pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
