My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
