I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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