How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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