It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
