i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I came so hard my ears popped.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
