I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
tonight lets celebrate not being married
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
